Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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