Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i believe in u and ur pee
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
