my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i dont even know how to be here
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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