I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
