Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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