I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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