Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
