I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
They took my balls.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
