When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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