I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
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