he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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