Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
