I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
