So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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