Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
