I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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