I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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