i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
