literally had 100 drinks last night.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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