Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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