ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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