Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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