I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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