Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
