It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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