Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
