guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize