How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
