i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
