So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
ok first of all what the fuck
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize