Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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