There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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