I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
