And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize