i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
