you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
