he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
