So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize