I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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