Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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