Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
