oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
