I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize