too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
