How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
