Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
