my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't deserve a penis
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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