Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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