It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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