Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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