I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Let's get the cat blown out
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
