we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
