Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize