Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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