You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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