First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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