so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize