the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
