Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
