he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize