Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
