He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
