eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
